Swimwear Nightmares

Monroe Navy And White Polka Dot Swimsuit from Panache

Monroe Navy And White Polka Dot Swimsuit from Panache

This amusing story was sent to me by one of our customers, as we have cup sized swimwear up to a J cup, be assured that this nightmare scenario will not occur at Fishnets Lingerie.

“I have again been through the annual pilgrimage or torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child in the 1950’s, the nothing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. It was built to hold back and uplift and it did a good job.

Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney’s fantasia – or she can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of flourescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors know as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror – my bosom had disappeared! Eventually I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

The ‘mature woman’ is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched towards the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted alright, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of my oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, “oh, there you are!” she said, admiring the bathing suit… I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with a ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally I found a suit that fitted… a two piece affaire with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome?

When I got home I found a label that said, “Material will become transparent in water.”

Seriously though from a retailers point of view selling swimwear is almost as bad a dealing with bridezillas. Because women will be seen semi naked by other women they try on everything in the shop and hate themselves in it all because they focus on all their own bad features which no one else would notice because they are thinking of their own shortcomings.

We try and buy swimwear with shorts, with high leg briefs, with skimpy tie sided bottoms – whatever we have the customer hate it.

Short women have been looking at leggy blonds in 1950’s style bottoms and think they will be instantly transformed into a giraffe by wearing copious shorts, I try to explain that with short legs a tie sided brief gives a leg line up to the armpit – much more flattering. A few get the point but most still think that there is something wrong with the shorts not their choice for their particular shape.

The other scenario which depresses me is the fact that they are going off on a lovely cruise or a holiday to the sun and feel the only safe option is a black bathing suit as it will make them look thinner. Bright colours look so wonderful in strong sunlight and they cheer one up. Is this just the English or do other nationalities carry on in such a way.

When we had a shop in Prague it was bliss, the women from the Czech Republic just seemed to enjoy swimming.

Please let me know your thoughts and do men agonise over what style of shorts to swim in?

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